In the past I have heard the phrase "my heart burst into a million pieces" and I may have even said it myself. If I did, I didn't really know what it meant or felt like, until this past Monday. This past Monday was not supposed to be an unusual day, in that we had no special plans or changes in our general routine. However, this past Monday was different because I finally experienced what I believe to be the sensation of a heart bursting into a million pieces. You see, I wasn't entirely sure that I would ever be a mama. If you know me, then you know I love kiddos, but wasn't sure I'd have one of my own. Then, in a short period of time no turned to maybe turned to yes, and I became a mama. May I just say that I am so glad I did, become a mama that is. I woke up on Monday and looked over to find my son's sweet face looking at me. Every time, without fail he starts his morning with a smile...a gummy smile. For about 10 minutes he was silent, peacefully looking at the ceiling. I talked to him about our plans for the day and as he sat on my lap he placed one of his little hands on my wrist. He tapped my arm and wiggled his fingers, then reached for my face. It was clear that these were purposeful movements. We played with his toys and read some of his books (he tried to eat them) which meant I held the book and he attempted to turn the pages. He rolled onto his back and began making noises. He started to blow bubbles and startled himself by his ability to do so. He was in between pajamas and his daytime outfit and I took a few pictures of him wearing feather printed diapers. He was lying on his stomach and used his upper body strength to straighten his arms, lift his head and look right into my eyes. He had a soft smile, the sides of his mouth upturned and his blue eyes were like two calm pools. I took him with me to my closet and placed him on the floor where he could look in the mirror. He looked straight ahead and as he became tired, he dropped his head and turned his head to the side and quietly looked at himself. I took him to run errands and when I held him he leaned his head on my shoulder. When he became excited he tucked his knees in towards me, squeezed my shoulder and bit down with his gums, as he squealed from excitement. When we arrived home I nursed him and he would stop intermittently to look up at me and laugh. I could feel one of his hands behind me, moving his fingers as if he was playing piano on my back. When he finished I placed him on his back and he would look at me and then reach for various toys I held in front of him. I picked him up and placed him on his back, over my knees and he looked at his surroundings upsidedown. He loves to look at his surroundings in this position. This time he was quiet and I realized he had fallen asleep. He slept for several hours while I prepared dinner. He woke up in time to keep me company while I made dessert. He sat in his swing and watched the dogs walk around the kitchen. He would lean to one side and stretch his hand out toward Jake and Georgie. The simple act of the dogs walking made Hayden laugh. Next, I bathed him and he splashed and smiled and splashed and smiled some more. Soon after he fell asleep for the night.
On this day, there were so many firsts for him as a baby and for me as a mama. All day he proved to be more alert, interested, engaging, aware and present than he had the day before. He exhibited more strength, ability and intention in his actions. His eyes were more expressive, his touch more purposeful and his reactions, more meaningful. I kept having these moments that made me stop what I was doing because I was overwhelmed by joy. A joy that made me feel like screaming, I was tense but from excitement and then it would quickly change to this feeling of being liquid. This must be my heart bursting into a million pieces.
I am a mama to this sweet little boy. I waited a long time for you, Hayes Oliver White and you were certainly worth the wait. You brighten every one of my days and I do not remember well, life before you were here. You bring so much joy to my life and when I look at you or even think about you, it is clear to me that I was meant to be a mama, your mama.
I love you.